My Unofficial, Unpolished, Untitled Testmony..

I grew up thinking that church was church and the rest of life was mine. I was baptized as a baby, confirmed at 13, a youth leader throughout high school, and seldom missed a Sunday.

I was preoccupied with looks, buying things, and kissing boys-much like everyone else I knew. The world was there to serve me, make me happy, and just so I tried to be a good person (or better than others around me) I was on track.

Sometime in high school, I began to wish for more. I began to see how meaningless it all was. What was more-I wanted love that no hook-up or teenage relationship was going to give me and it tore me up. Pieces of my heart left behind after every break-up and letdown, I could no longer pretend it didn’t hurt. I was becoming fragile and dissatisfied with life and what the norm was among my friends. Never thought to crack a bible, never discussed God with friends-Jesus wasn’t even on the radar-you could say-even though I attended a church every Sunday.

In college, I would go to my Campus Crusade for Christ meeting or Bible Study and then go out partying until 4am (if I came home). Not to say that partying is the ultimate evil-by any means- but back then, it was an indicator of the state of my heart. Of Jesus not being much more than a magic fairy who grants my wishes or comforts me when afraid or in need.

My life dead-ended with the knowledge of Jesus and had not yet been transformed-or even knew that it was possible. God was a hobby of sorts. As Matt Chandler would put it-“Christianity makes a horrible hobby-you might as well just buy a boat-it would be more fun.” The brand of religion I had encountered thus far was breeding emptiness and I felt wounded from all that I had been through relationally up to that point.

One night at a coffee shop, not long after a traumatic break-up with a boyfriend Freshman year at UT Austin, a good friend challenged me to tell her when I had committed my life to Christ. After giving her a rundown of my spiritual resume’, she repeated the question-not satisfied that I had truly answered her question.

I got quiet (which most of you know is a rarity) and realized I had no answer to that question-and at that point-may have not known how huge this question would impact the trajectory of my life. Up to that point, I was comfortably sitting on the throne in the center of my life. It wasn't until that moment that I realized-I needed to get out of His chair!! That night a new life, new chapter-whatever you want to call it-began. (And, I stress here, that this was ONLY a beginning since praying one prayer to Jesus does not equal a transformed life)

This was a spiritual awakening of which I have been putting one foot in front of the other discovering more as I go-day after day. It has been marked with some phases thus far:

The overzealous new Christian who wanted to use “Christian-ese” all the time (i.e-"being convicted" about something, "quiet time","walking" with the Lord, telling everyone I would pray for them-especially those I knew were not Christians because somehow me saying that to them was going to make them magically want to run to Jesus). (LOL) I tended to insulate myself with other Christians in a nice, happy bubble and become out of touch with the rest of the world.

Then there was the “been there, done that, I know it all” phase where self-righteousness reigned. I had it all figured out and concentrated on pointing fingers at all the problems with "the world." I was characterized by what I did/did not do and was prideful about both. I had so propelled myself into Christian organizations, churches, mission trips, radio, music, books, that I had a over-confidence about all I had learned in such a short time. You could say I had religion-with a little bit of Jesus here and there. Just so I had everything checked off my moral To-Do list, I was like "peas&carrots" with the Lord.

That has (thankfully) morphed into a phase more characterized by the great realization of God’s grace and my desire for more of Him. A phase where I am energized by the thought of being around people of all backgrounds as I imitate Jesus and love everyone no matter who they are or if we agree on everything. I have finally grasped the stark difference between the Gospel and religion. God brought this about through the influences of a variety of ordinary people who love Him and several pastors-both of churches we attended and those we listen to their weekly free Podcasts.

If you’ve never heard these guys, you are genuinely missing out. Wherever you are @ with God-these men are worth your time and, I bet, for many of you would be your first encounter with the Gospel (instead of all the religion you’ve steered clear from for so long).

A short list:

Flatirons Community Church- Lafayette, CO
Pastor Jim Burgen

The Village Church- Highland Village, TX
Pastor Matt Chandler

Mars Hill Church- Seattle, WA (several locations)
Pastor Mark Driscoll

Blog Archive: The Myspace Years....

Tuesday, November 27, 2007 10 minutes thoughts....My Plank In the book of Matthew, there is a verse that says basically-don't be so concerned with the speck in someone else's eye-take the plank out of your own! This is illustrated in many ways in my life-but the one I was thnking of last night before I fell asleep was about a person I know who has an issue with alcohol. I could bust out with the labels that come along with that-but I would be getting off of my focus. I was thinking how when someone has an issue with drinking-they have lost control and it has control over them. This is physical, this is mental, this is even spiritual. Well, just as someone might be put in this category-so goes emotional eating for me. I am textbook! When things are great, when things are going badly, when I am fearful, when I am lonely or bored, to really celebrate-it is marked by food. For the person who has issues with alcohol (or whatever else) it serves the same purpose. Addictions can be very similar creatures I guess. I think people can excuse others gaining some weight that might be related to food, but are quick to judge when it is alcohol that calls the shots (literally.. ;) ) in another person's life. Both have their consequences and both rob people of their true potential in life. Here's to making changes....

Sunday, November 25, 2007 10 min thoughts...Die Daily So, I used to truly believe that I would get to a place spiritually where marriage and my relationship with God would become easier. A state of maturity, maybe, where I had just figured out what needed to be and all was so much smoother and less of a challenge. It finally came to me that it was never meant to happen that way. No amount of bible reading, praying, reading books, talking to wise people would will the ability to go through life at some great spiritual, utopic plateau. Nope. Instead I was going to have to die every day (or suffer the consequences). What does that mean? Those who are Christian may have heard the term-dying to yourself before-but it has only begun to sink in for me 10 years into my life with Christ. I have to wake up every morning and put to death my own selfish, self-serving desires in order that I might live that day the way the Spirit leads. Some may call this getting to the end of ones "self" or putting to death my "flesh." I call it knowing that I am utterly dependent each day on what Christ has done and is doing-or I am going to get what I have always gotten. Does this mean that one cannot become more mature spiritually? No-it is true that we all grow in knowledge and are refined to become more of who we were created to be. But to gain anything out of my day, I must come into each day as if I knew nothing. Clean slate, drop the baggage from the past or even what happened the day before and go on. There are so many things in my own heart that have to be repeatedly killed-much that has been with me for as long as I can remember. But, if I am to make the mistake of agonizing, as many do, that some day I will truly get "there"-I think I should always expect to fall short.

Sunday, February 18, 2007 10 minute thoughts...My Church I have found that i am too deliberate about these blogs-as if I cannot really say what is on my mind-but I have to edit it in thoughts of who might read it. So, because I want to write more uninhibitedly (is that a word?) I am going to start sitting for 10 minutes at a time and writing about whatever is flowing that day. ****************My church*********************** My church, The Village Church in Highland Village, TX is awesome. Not in that cheezy awesome way-but in that wow! What was that! Whatever is going on there-I want more!! Unbelievable!! What is going on is God's presence felt, true worship-the kind you feel running through you like an awesome chord in a Coldplay song. Don't misunderstand-this is not a rock concert masquerading as a bible church-this is the real deal!! The worship is deep and meaningful and not awkward and light rockish. The preaching is not only relevant and humorous at times, but he will rip open your insides and you will LOVE every minute of it. Church (as it should be) is about getting to know Jesus, who he is and what he has done and not some touchy feely -we all abstain from doing this or that so we are better than you crap! Just as in our home group, at church I have moments that can only be described as holy and sacred. I should be making these times in my daily life more-that is what it is about-finding the right church and living it out-but for now this place is a kickstart-an unbelievably cool place (as our Pastor would say) where it is OK to not be OK. Pretense is gone..fakeness is gone..dealing with what life is about, why are we here, all the questions that torment us or confuse-this is what Christianity is meant to be.. It will be 10 yrs. next Spring since I became a Christian..and just as much as I want to say I have learned so much..I constantly come back to truths as if my eyes are reading and my mind is comprehending them for the first time. I still get confused as to how best to talk about God with others and I don't have all the answers-or everything figured out-but going to my church every week is unbelievable. People don't get excited by religion, they don't get passionate about following religious rules...but the love and passion for Christ and worshiping and learning more that is stirred up in me even as we enter the parking lot. Woops! 10 minutes is up................

Thursday, May 11, 2006 Modest is Hottest: Part 1 **It is so amazing how each time there is a topic that I am blogging about it is simply b/c it has welled up inside of me and I HAVE TO let it all out. This is also a concern to me (as a hopeful future author) that I might not have this amount of passion behind all topics and therefore, getting a job in writing might be a bit difficult. ** The way we dress says a lot about us. A blog about modesty on sexually-charged MySpace is somewhat of a funny paradox, I'll admit, but none the less one that I am brimming over with at the moment. I am unglued!! What brought me to this point? Ironically, not even the general public-because I think we are all used to seeing scantilly clad women and girls. (These are the same women who rail against men for treating women like an object..but we'll get to that later) No, what really made me sad was the amount of women, ranging pre-teen to adult, AT CHURCH that are dressing very provocatively. I am sure my mother will smile should she ever read this blog-I was a teenager and college student who loved to get attention from the opposite sex. My mom often looked at my tight fitting shirts and high cut skirts and told me that I "should be careful what I was advertising." I fed off of compliments from guys for years-always being disappointed when it turned out that the attraction didn't go much past skin depth. It was not until I was 19 years old that I FINALLY found myself listening to a speaker who was talking about the importance of modesty. I know many would say that women and girls are just wearing today's fashions-it is what's out there! What are we supposed to wear!?! To that I say -use your very capable brain to make some much needed adjustments (both inward and outward). How does that Beyonce song go?-"If you got it flaunt it, boy I know you want it." This coming from the people who brought us such girl anthems as "Survivor" and "Independent Woman!!" I have so many directions I could go with this-but let me narrow it down to three main points directed at those who would call themself a Christian: #1: We know the way we dress affects men #2: We know we want to honor God in every part of our lives #3: The conclusion: We have a responsibility to watch the way we dress! There is no secret how the male mind works-yet many of us play dumb and dress like this anyway!! Men are visually stimulated creatures-this is fact and undisputable. They are reactive and hugely distracted by the eye candy many of us provide. Skirts or shorts that barely cover us, swimsuits that share all that momma gave us, and my personal favorite, outfits where a thong can easily be seen at the slightest bend or stretch. Hello?!! What are we inviting? How do so many people who desire to honor God rationalize this? Well, for the Bible-believing crowd-my hope is that the explanation is just plain ignorance. Maybe many have truly never heard this message of truth in a way they could wholeheartedly identify with. It is as if people are pretending they don't know what they are wearing will attract the wrong kind of attention and tempt the opposite sex. Maybe they don't care-maybe they just have never heard how it is indeed their responsibility as women, especially who hold themselves to Christian standards, to not dress like that themselves and train up their daughters not to either. (Just as a sidenote, FamilyLife and Focus both have great resources on this topic) It is not uncommon to see women in Christian circles (at church and otherwise) with shirts low cut enough to see most of their cleavage and a little more. I am talking women of all ages doing this! How about wearing somes bras with lining in them! Let's make this a rule of thumb, shall we, if your nipples are showing through an outfit-CHANGE!-do whatever you need to do-but men come to church to worship God-not to be distracted and tempted by your inability to dress appropriately. And to see all of these young women who think that beautiful is dressing with extreme low rider jeans that many times let their fat roll hang out as there t-shirt only goes just below their navel..where are these moms and where are the people who care enough to teach the women and girls of the church about just how much modesty matters or even the simple biblical truth that you reap what you sow!! Here's the big secret (as simple as it is)-layering & shopping on purpose (literally)! You can look fantastic with a few changes-in fact, you may never go back when you realize that the reaction you get from the right kind of a guy is what your heart truly longs for- even more than the momentary glance that temporarily boosts your self esteem from the wrong one. This is undeniably one of those truths I wish I was equipped with when I went through puberty: Showing less is more, not wearing less!! So, the inward changes I have hit the surface of were: to embark (with our daughters) on the journey of investigating why we have the responsibility of being deliberate in our clothes and swimsuit choices and to figure out all of the reasons modesty matters!. The outward changes I suggested were layering (i.e-wearing a camisole under that trendy low cut tank top you had to have) and shopping on purpose. You would be surprised how alluring & intriguing a woman with class can be to the right kind of guy!! A little mystery goes a long way... P.S-(7/22/06) Last week a girl was standing in front of us at church-prob in her teens-at church with her parents. She had jean shorts on that I would better describe as jean bloomers!! How could her daddy, her protector until she has gotten married, stand next to her and let her grow up this way-and to church for that matter-what do you think was on the mind of all those males standing behind this attractive young girl-HINT-NOT the Lord's Prayer ;) ;)

Friday, May 05, 2006 Life Ratio Today I have not been able to get this ratio out of my head-it goes something like this: Life is 10% What Happens To You/Your circumstances and 90% How You React To It. Many of you have probably heard this same addage somewhere as well.. So whether it be the way you react to your husband when you think he is being less than rational about something or your son, if he has just chosen to throw a major fit in public..the rub is the reaction. A good friend and I were talking about you can almost stand outside yourself and see yourself standing at a crossroads at that moment in time-which way am I gonna go with this..I really want to lose it and speak (shout) my mind-but I know that I could choose the other road too. You know the one..the one we know is there but let pride talk us out of. (I want to be right, be in the control-this person is ridiculous and they need to be told that!!) In the case of a child making a scene or flagrantly disobeying you (whether in public or not)-this road means taking a moment to collect your anger and other range of emotions and figuring out the best consequence for their actions. There is nothing that is sadder than a child that has no consequences..but as I so often say that is another blog in itself. Having been there done that with Austin-I feel more confident at that crossroads. The crossroads that I come to many times a day comes part and parcel with being a wife (and one that seeks to be a Proverbs 31 style lady at that)..ah here comes every wife's favorite four letter word: SUBMIT **My mind just popped to that scene in Lion King when the hyenas are talking about the King Lion in fear and saying Muuu-fasa Eww!!** Anyhow, I can choose to take the road where I enter with the poor me attitude of oh, if I could only talk some sense into him. Why is he making this decision? When will he ever learn? Why can't he just...CHANGE!! If I have learned anything at all in my first 5+ years of marriage, it's that change NOT submit is the true four letter word!! However, that comes with one exception and that is if the change is choosing to change TOGETHER for the purpose of bettering their marriage, their faith, their parenting skills, and a host of other noble areas we all seek to grow in. (Speaking of noble-don't you just love Philippians 4:8 everytime you run across it?!! "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirableif anything is excellent or praiseworthythink about such things." Ok, so back to my daily visit to the crossroads where I can see the road of choosing to submit to my husband. This road is an altogether self-denying, sacrificial, leave your worldly feminist wisdom at the door kind of road. Remember that little song on a commercial recently that goes "Anything you can do, I can do better" - well, shut it up..cause because after you take those first few steps down that intimidating, humbling road (that literally feel like everything in you is pulling you the other direction) you begin to see something surprising-you might actually get somewhere in this fight or conversation AND what is more is many times your husband may decide to do things just the way you'd hoped he would because you didn't nag, yell, or curse him-you put the ball in his corner and let him lead. Ok, so I say all this not to elude to me having figured this stuff out. Most days I, admittedly, still take the road most traveled at least a few times and let him know exactly what I think at that moment before giving it some time to speak or react better. OK-pause- To all of you who have not given birth before or have never been around a woman in labor-DO NOT use the instances on TV as any sort of guide to how it really is!! A lady on a TV show that is on right now just got up from playing a game a shrieked in pain and yelled that she was having the baby now...we as woman do not go zero to 60 in just seconds like that! God made the process, or designed i guess you could say, so that in most cases one starts with pains that feel like mentrual cramps and progress from there. Many woman today do not go through it that way though because every doctor these days seems to advocate inducing..yes, to each his own..but I digress ;) Touchy topic for some..read the book THINKING WOMAN'S GUIDE TO BIRTH by Henci Goer to find out more... Wow, i did not begin this blog thinking I would talk about what I wound up saying!! Back to the ratio..it really has so much truth attached to it to chew on..That 90/10 theory debunks all of the woh is me crowd who love to wallow in negativity and self-pity. You know the friend, family member, co-worker who just sucks the ever-living life out of you to talk to? I have had friends where I literally had to pray before talking to them-God I always feel drained after talking to them. Please show me a way to help them if I can and protect me from being drug down. Give me words to speak life and truth into their current way of...well, doing their own personal 90%-reacting to their own set of circumstances. I am thinking of a person in my life that knows better than anyone I have ever known how to push my buttons. If I am insecure about anything, they can sniff it out in no time flat. I go into life whenever I see this person with high hopes. God, give me a thicker skin. God, just let me love on them-they need you and I want them to see you in me!! God, please don't let me take offense to everything they say-help me to laugh at myself!! Well, in this case-I fear my reaction has been the wrong one a good 90% of the time! ;) So, I guess in the future I can always strive to become the kind of person who can react with wisdom 100% of the time.

Monday, April 24, 2006 Spiritual Snickers and Oprah too... In one of the books I am reading (Having a Mary Heart in A Martha World) it coins the term- Spiritual Snickers(I'll refer to them as SS). Though there is a back story about it in the book-the essence of its definition is anything that temporarily satisfies your need for spirituality (or more specifically God/ Jesus) so that you do not feel the need to go deeper, grow, make the time to spend with God each day. I find these SS surrounding me in my daily life and also in such larger than life shows as Oprah. I'll start with me... Ever since I became a Christian at 18 yrs. old (another story I will write out someday soon), I have gotten into the Christian world in all facets-books, magazines, radio, internet-EVERYWHERE. I like to surround myself with truth and positive things- that, I do not think is bad in and of itself. However, I have definitely noticed that many days instead of setting aside time to pray, read my bible, listen to what God wants to tell me (no I am not talking audible words-but those who are Christian realize that in a rel. you talk and you listen-same with you and God) Anyway... These SS wind up tiding me over so that weeks can pass by without me having made a priority to stop whatever else I have in my day to meet with God. That is just so the opposite of how God intended me to live-on top of that-how am I to be the person I am meant to be if I am doing everything in my own power and for my own purposes? Without God's perspective we miss A LOT!! Ok, so now to Oprah's part in this. I admit it-I am almost a daily Oprah watcher. I will watch most shows-with the exception of the "I am a man trapped in a woman's body" type shows. Oprah has to be the queen of SS! I would even gamble to say that she is the only truth that many people hear or allow into their lives each week and that is both great and horrifying at the same time. (There was an interesting article on this aspect of her show in Christianity Today several years ago-called something like The Gospel of Oprah.) One day, she will have people coming on the show talking about the rules of sex in dating, plastic surgery, and great expensive fatty foods-the next day she will tell her testimony of coming to Jesus, tell teens and women to be happy with their bodies the way God made them , and talk about how certain foods will shorten your life and promote her diet guru. Ok, well, I could go on all day about her contradictions..but back to the SS. She is always preaching the Gospel of finding everything withinyourself-me,me,me-it is all about how you FEEL, how you love yourself-more and more self-help. THe same stuff you hear on most secular shows-the Be True to yourself and follow your heart song and dance that leads everyone to the ultimate despair that a life lived based on emotions will inevitably lead you to. Man, this is everywhere-movies, books, Teen sitcoms and on and on. This is almost as common as the epidemic of every parent responding to the question of what they most want for their children is for them to be happy (thus the need for shows like Nanny 911 and SuperNanny-but again, that is another blog waiting to happen in itself) All of Oprah's pseudo spiritual comments amount to a feeling of being right with God. You know the lifestyle where you mention God in the safe contexts and cliches like God made me that way or God-given talents,etc My ultimate point here is that I fear sometimes that the gagillion people who watch Oprah (very similar to those who equate leading a Christian life/knowing God to simply attending church) will never go deeper into finding what God has in store for them than simply knowing part of his truth. That they will be satisfied with just a little spirituality (whether solid or not) and think that as a "good person" they will go to heaven and be able to lead a "good life" as "good people." Basic humanism at its best-it is nothing new-its been around since the beg. of time and will never cease to be. The greatest joy is to see someone take the step to go to God with all of their garbage and all their unanswered questions and finally get some real answers not just SS.