"She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."
Mat Kearney ~ "Closer to Love"
Sooooo..in late May, I got THAT call. My marriage was in serious trouble, and by August, it was un-officially over. The details? They are many, but alas, they are not my focus today...and I doubt I will ever 'go there' via blog. Not the place for that. What my focus IS going to be today is to tell the tale, from my perspective, of my process of beginning to embrace the new skin I am in. I now live in Reno with the kids and Wayne lives in Alaska (as we were in the process of moving there when this all went down). That aspect, I would argue, is perhaps the worst part of the current situation...and THAT is saying something.
I think when you've never been in a truly healthy relationship with the opposite sex (apart from a parent), you accept a lot of things as normal. Add that to the fact that I truly believed that when I married this blue-eyed, muscly, freckled boy, he BECAME the right man; and to me, good, bad, or ugly, I was going to make things work. I left it all on the field, so to speak, and though I am as big of sinner in need of grace as anyone else, I don't know that I look back in regret at any part of the last 12 years since I met him.
As this ending to a chapter of my life is, to me, sudden, shocking, and full of unpredictable emotion, it feels like a "death" of sorts. Here is a little excerpt from some thoughts I put down in late August when it was very fresh:
"It is true that I haven't been around the death of a really close friend or family member in my life yet, but I would guess this 'death' I am walking through is a small taste of what it's like. The people you love the most cry and there are no words that can truly make it better. This "death" is like an out of body experience where you wake up every single day and think-if even for just a split second-that it was all some kind of bad dream. And then, each day, the new reality sinks in slowly as you MAKE yourself get out of bed. Oh, how life can be strange! The things you never question, never think could happen to you~in an instant~your new normal."
Right about now you are probably thinking..wow, Alexis, this blog is preeetty, freakin' depressing..so let me relieve you by saying that I promise it gets better from here!!
"Your poker face ain’t fooling nobody, nobody here
We’ve all felt the flame and shed those same tears..
Hey brother we’re all learning to love again"
Mat Kearney ~ "Learning to Love Again"
If I said I am not a walking, talking, open wound some days still, I would be a lyin' woman. What I WILL tell you is that God has already allowed me to see Him use this mess to bring people closer to Himself and I think that is truly something!! That alone would allow me to end this blog post right now on a hope-filled note; yet, there is more to look at on the positive.
I now wake up to the possibility that there could be a boy out there who would wholly, purely, and unconditionally love me someday. Isn't that amazing?! I never thought I would have a first kiss again or get those butterflies in my stomach when I think about someone and that could now be in my future. I could be accepted and adored for being nothing more or less than being who God made me. That is AWESOMENESS!
It is true that I am not yet used to the terms: divorce, divorcee, single mom, ex-husband, etc. These words still make me squirm and having the experience of being the new girl in town and having no choice but to get used to using these words as part of my story has been weird! I suppose it is because I never thought it would BE part of my story that I am still a little uncomfortable with it..not because anyone has been judgmental or anything like that.
I have had SUCH an overwhelming, humbling-because-I-could-never-repay-it kind of love pouring out from friends, family, and even complete strangers who have walked in the shoes I now find myself. When something bad happens and good comes from it, I suppose it is always bittersweet. I am currently rounding out a lot of the bitter part (and bitterness) and wanting to leave it behind for the sweet!
I have been reminded of so many things that in the past I am sure I took for granted. God's mercies are new each and every morning. He is faithful in a way that is so constant and so perfect in timing that I am always in awe that an undeserving, rebellious sinner like me could be on the receiving end. Even in the dark moments, I have gotten to see God redeem them by giving me the right words to say or having the right words spoken to me. Though this new single life is lonely at times, it's like I can see God running interference for me; and, for what he is doing and what he has already done, I am eternally grateful and hopeful for what comes next...
"Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now from so far away
You pull me closer to love.."
Mat Kearney ~ "Closer to Love"
