My Crazy Real-Life Inside Out Almost Match.com Love Story

When I left you in my last post, I was still doing a good amount of wrestling with singleness, divorce, near tidal waves of emotion (which came at oh so inconvenient times), and getting my footing in my brave new world, in general. God had just worked out a Communications internship at my church, Living Stones Church, and a job that would give me a schedule around the internship.  To make a long story short, I soon found that I could not pursue the internship, job and be a good mama-so for now, I had to put my dreams of writing for a ministry I am passionate about on the shelf for a little while longer. Not the right timing yet. I didn't want to put too much on my plate while the smoke cleared in my life. I prayed for a non-stressful, simple office job where I like the people I work with and that is exactly what I got.  A place to land while I figure out what I want to be 'when I grow up'. ;) Oh, and I am no longer a blondie, either...

So, I guess one could say that there are always multiple stories we are all part of at any given moment in time. We could also agree that while some of our stories are quite different, when we look a little closer-we see that there are so many ways they are the same.

Getting to the love story...I am getting there! I am getting there!  Promise. Though let's face it-this whole darn thing is a love story because I am one messed up chickadee and Jesus died for me anyway..so my whole existence is a story of love and grace...but I digress...

Here are few areas God has been working on in me:

* I don't have to fear failure, the unknown, new experiences, or not being good at something right away. There is purpose in it all. I best try to find it rather than throwing an adult temper tantrum.

*I need to embrace vulnerability and showing my true self/life. Covering things up brings division, but truth will set you (and others) free.

*Self control doesn't happen by accident. (Might I get an 'Amen!' from any other Christian singles reading this today?? ;) )

*Worry and trust are not friends.

*The approval of others is not ultimate; in fact, many will judge you knowing only part of the picture. Don't do that to other people. (This last lesson I am seeing God teach me about right and left in the relationship I am in.)

So, how, you ask, did this inside out, almost Match.com love story begin? 

After dating a few people long distance through the ChristianMingle dating site, I decided to give the more local possibility filled Match.com a try. After about two weeks of being on there, I started to get frustrated how nice, cute guys seemed a dime a dozen on there, but mature, Christian men were virtually unicorn status. I mean nada!! Just before I cancelled my membership, there waaaas this oooonnne guy. I could tell from his profile he was super cute, funny and was unapologetically saying that he had decided to re-commit his life, in terms of dating, to saving himself for his wife. Hmmm...THIS, I thought, could be a guy I'd like to meet. So, I emailed him a short message and didn't hear anything back. I cancelled my membership and posted up on Facebook that day that I was done with online dating and figured maybe I should just concentrate on other things for a while.

Several days later, Ben (aforementioned cuteous maximus) checked his email and to his surprise, as he thought he had cancelled his Match.com membership months before, found that it had been auto-renewed and he had received an email that he says he "read and just got a feeling about and so he replied". That is the "almost Match.com" part of the love story, but what about the "Crazy Real Life Inside Out" part?!

When friends, family, and well anybody find out you're dating someone, what are the average questions asked first? Answer: "Where does he live? What does he do for a living? What does he look like? Where is he from?" (and from many in my circle of friends I'd be asked, "Does he love Jesus?").

Ben is not the explainable by a simple answer kind of boyfriend. He and I, while having lived some very different lives, have found common threads in each of our stories as well. 

In my blog fresh out of my unexpected divorce last year ( http://alexiscissell.blogspot.com/2011/10/skin-i-am-in.html ) I wrote how the end of my marriage sometimes felt like a death was surrounding me and those who have known me for a while know that the 10+ years preceeding were often full of struggle as well.

For Ben, joining the Air Force on September 11, 2001 started a domino effect that today, 11 years later, is just now beginning to see resolution. It is a chain of events (without telling too much of his incredible story as I have encouraged him to do himself someday when he's ready) that surrounded him with death at times and kept him from sleeping well for the better part of the past 10 years.  He saw and experienced things that no person should have to.  For the past 2 years, he has fought for the help he needed to heal and the rating from the military that would both compensate him, to an extent, for all he has been through and help him to start over. Thankfully, the likelihood of getting his official rating soon and starting to sleep again have allowed him to dream again. Now he can figure out what it looks like to pursue what he is passionate about: music, sound engineering, and helping other people like him to recover and reclaim their lives.

He is still tired most days as his sleep issues are only beginning to get better, but he is having way more good days than bad. He fought using any meds at all for years, but has found help in them (for now). As he is former military and personal trainer, he has struggled with how the meds lent to gaining some weight. But, as I remind him, it is temporary and will all go back to normal. He is a fighter and he is an extraordinary, handsome, hilarious, genuine gentleman who loves Jesus.

All this to say, he is not an easy person to explain in a short answer to the usual questions people ask you about who you are dating. At times, his circumstances can take extra patience and understanding, but hey, I'm a newly divorced mother of two~so I may be wise to not be casting any stones in that area..:)


"God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"

"Better Than A Hallelujah" ~ Amy Grant
(Listen at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD_pCr_Xrnc )

As I do with all thoughts I am really wrestling through, I laid my heart out there for the wisdom of my amazing, beautiful inside and out, best friend, Ashley Hunter, and her response was dead-on accurate (as always). She said (paraphrased):

"You know, Lex, you might meet a super rich, hot guy and he may sound good to tell people about because of outer/surfacy stuff, but he could be a total douche bag on the inside when you get to know him. It sounds to me like you have been getting to know Ben-his heart, his character and you are into him for all of the right reasons. The ones that matter and last. He is getting a lot of things figured out in his life and that's an ok place to be. Walk with him while he does that and you'll see that having the inside be solid and the outer things come in time could be perfect for the slow speed you are looking for anyway."

Life isn't always put together in a way that makes sense or is all wrapped up prettyfied in a bow, is it?! God sowed it in me to have the ability to love people who need someone to look beneath the surface, the temporary, or the roughnesss around their edges to see their amazingness and potential. I thank God for bringing someone in my life who loves me for me and only asks that I do the same. Ben is an answer to prayer and I look forward to seeing whatever God has next for us in our crazy, real-life love story.

"So praise God we don't have to hide scars

Yeah we know his are covering ours

Praise God we don't have to hide scars

They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts

They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are

So Praise God we don't have to hide scars."

"Scars" ~ Jonny Diaz

(Listen at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5ciMXK92EY&feature=related )

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Call this my little denouement, confession, or P.S. of sorts, but not a week after I wrote this blog post I had a total freak out moment. I got overwhelmed at all of the rough edges in Ben's fight to get better and in my healing process that I almost threw in the towel.

Well..... truth be told-I DID throw in the towel.. I broke up with Ben and then realized very quickly I had done it out of fear, misunderstanding and confusion. It didn't sit well in my soul at all! I spent the next few days praying for clarity and figuring out how to clear up this great miscommunication.

Truth be told, Ben has a long road ahead, yet is every bit a diamond in the rough.

Truth be told, I have a long road ahead too; yet in realizing how much I have to learn, I will see what it is to be in a healthy, God-centered relationship full of love and laughter. What more could a girl ask for? ;)