Bubbles & Squeaks

'Bubbles and squeak' is a term commonly referring to leftovers gathered from a big dinner, such as Thanksgiving, being mixed together and made into a second meal. It is so named because it makes bubbling and squeaking sounds during the cooking process. 

I think these last 2 years have been quite a cooking process and it is really cool to start to see some of what has come from it. The way I'm wired...there comes a point when I haven't written for a while where I feel like a cup overflowing with thoughts...bubbling over with what God has been pouring in and I know I HAVE to take time to pour out. I know this because everytime I do there winds up being someone I was meant to pour into and far be it from me to miss out on that! That be da gooooood stuff right?! I get filled back up from having processed and poured out. Love that beautiful paradox.

"It's a relief to talk without having to explain oneself isn't.."
"Yes, it is a privilege."
DOWNTON ABBEY, Season 3

To know and be known. To understand and be understood. Core needs really. Ministering to someone going through a very similar experience. One of my biggest confusions about going through a divorce is how I had the most joy the 3+ years preceding in being part of a ministry building into marriages and helping to equip women to be who God calls them to be. What? A divorce? Me? God, are you confusing this plan with one for someone else..cause I fought long and hard..through some crazy flippin' stuff to hold onto this marriage.

God was writing the script and when he came to me-it's like he had to take me aside and explain how he would be taking things for my character in an ummmm..different direction..shall we say...This detour has given me a new dimension to ministry that I would have never been able to speak into had I not walked the broken road I have these past few years.  Ok, so maybe "walked" is a bit popping off..sometimes I walked, sometimes I crawled, and sometimes I just wanted to pack up and run away from EVERYTHING! ;) Getting to see how God was going to take all the good, bad and the ugly from these experiences and use them to speak truth and comfort into people going through similar experiences is such an amazing release...so wonderful and humbling. Makes it all worth it.

Our church has been going through Mark Driscoll's book WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE about our identity in Christ through studying the book of Ephesians in the Bible.  Just as I was starting to hear loud and clear through this series that I need to be careful that I never see my divorce as my identity (aka-being defined by divorce or bad things that have happened in your life), it was my week to share my testimony (story of what God has done and is doing in my life) with my Community Group.

So, in just the way God likes to do, he gave me a biiiig bear hug through the people in my group when I shared. God's going~'See Lex, I'm here...by the way..I'm here...Hey Lex...uh huh, it's me and I am so here with you...'

First, our group leader told me that there was a specific set of verses he felt he was to share with me. When he opened up his Bible, it was from where else but Jonah. These were the EXACT verses that the sermon was preached out of that morning at a friend's church I'd visited. A set of verses that my leader wouldn't have had any way of knowing that I'd heard a message on them that very morning. Then, another woman in the group said that before I shared MY verse I had chosen to go along with my testimony, she'd like to share with me what SHE was sensing I needed to be reminded. What was that chapter of the Bible she shared? Oh..just the same one (Proverbs 31) that I was going to share as my verse: 

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

Speaking of that verse, oh man am I a people pleaser sometimes. It can be good at times, but others it is definitely to a fault. I've been learning a lot lately about how no matter how nice or gracious you might think you are being, it can be distorted or misunderstood. Sometimes you just have to let things lie, simmer, and work themselves out and have faith that God's doin' his thang.

Which brings me to my Ben. So, up to this point I have bubbled over with some of what God has been working in me...now come the squeaks.

squeak/skwik/ Show Spelled [skweek]
noun
1. a short, sharp, shrill cry; a sharp, high-pitched sound.
2. Informal. opportunity; chance: 

Most or all of you know that last weekend I got engaged. Yes, 'My Crazy Real-Life Inside Out Almost Match.com Love Story' (see  http://alexiscissell.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-crazy-real-life-inside-out-almost.html ) officially went to the next level~Ben proposed.                                                              *insert long, delighted sigh and giggle*


As I've promised to share the details of the proposal, let me first just give a little background to jump off of what I wrote in my last blog post where I somewhat introduced Ben to everyone. Gotta do this up proper..   

Ben and I spent some time apart around the holidays until I received a text out of the blue in mid-January. It was Ben checking in with me. When I casually said that I had begun to move on and was starting to date someone, I was not prepared for what came next...  

In an absolute epic fashion, Ben shared his feelings for me. I'm talking better than any love letter, lyric or poetic verse I'd ever heard, read or seen in a movie. They were words I simply couldn't ignore.  

You see, just a few weeks earlier, my sister, Corinne, had asked me if I thought Ben and I would get back together. For some reason, my gut reaction was to say that if he fought for me..I mean turned out to be a guy that really made clear his feelings and intentions..that would be the only way I'd know I was supposed to continue in the relationship with him.  

As I think about it, Ben too had been a great source of teaching me about how much I could get concerned about people's opinions/approval at times. I met him the first time and thought..hmm.. he's reeeally cute and funny and smart, but his voice is kind of different...almost a little squeaky at times. I now look back at those thoughts and think. Wow!! First of all, how judgmental am I?! As though he chose the voice the Lord gave him. Then I think to now when I would be so sad if his voice were any different. I love every bit of him. I love it that he has a child-like giggle, I love it that he freestyles...well, I love it that his voice has a million different tones and I can tell what is going on by which one he is using much of the time (and looking at his chin~which is his 'tell'). 

In my time being single, I'd learned what I was looking for in a guy.  To me, the right guy sees you fearing and takes your hand and says 'Let's do it together.' (In other words, who cares if you might look silly or don't know how, do it anyway!) A great guy hears an issue you differ in opinion on and opens up the Word to see what God says rather than letting a wedge grow in the battle of whose opinion is right or wrong. A great guy loves you not based on what you do or who he wants you to be, but who are you are... right now. (And just wants YOU to be happy with you.) A great guy seeks to resolve conflict calmly and compassionately-no matter who is at fault. A great guy protects your heart and wants both of you to save yourselves for one another as a gift from God to unwrap in his timing. This is so Ben.

If I still have not given enough of a picture of him, let me share with you (with his permission) part of a letter he wrote a few months ago:

"It started for me back when I was just about a teenager. We were living in Walla Walla, Washington, trying to start a church, but that’s a different story. My dad and I would pray together; but on this particular day, he felt led to teach me a new thing to pray for, a wife. Now being about 12 or so a wife was not high on my priorities but there was wisdom in what my dad was showing me, in that it takes a lot of preparation to become an amazing person, and an amazing spouse.

So on that day I started praying for my future wife, “Lord bless my wife. Protect her and let her grow into the woman you’ve made her to be. Also, help me to grow into the man you’ve made me to be; let me be wise, and humble, strong, and caring…” There were many other attributes I asked for but I can’t seem to recall them anymore. I prayed this prayer nearly every day a little less often during some of the more difficult times in my life and it evolved to cover more various attributes. I suppose from age 12 to 29 I had a constantly changing and growing view of what this amazing woman God would bless me with as a wife.

At age 29, I met Lexi, and in all honesty my dreams and fabrications of God's perfect woman for me were shattered and reformed in a matter of days. I had so far undershot the bar; I struggled to think Lexi was even a real person at first. I thought there is no way that anyone is this perfect for me she must be making some of this up. As time went by and I spent more time with her I realized that she was every single thing that she appeared to be, and it blew me away entirely. I thank God to the very moment of you reading this, and beyond, for allowing Lexi to find me, and allowing me to be a part of her life and Austin and Ella's as well.

I dearly love my Lexi, your daughter, your sister, your friend. With every fiber of what makes me who I am I love her..."

Now that is something to squeak, shout, and melt about yeah?!! Just blows me away everytime I read it.

But back to the proposal....

Last Saturday, we were headed out to Truckee/Lake Tahoe to bum around for the day and enjoy time just the two of us. We decided to go to beautiful Northstar Ski Area in Tahoe to walk around; and as we drove in, Ben suggested we check out a place he used to go to when he worked at Northstar years before. His "spot" was just past a long, winding street of no doubt million dollar vacation homes where there was a pretty overlook of the mountains and snow-covered golf course below.  I suggested we hop out of the car and sit on the car's trunk for a few minutes.

He agreed and so we went. I sat on the trunk, but he stayed standing. We chatted a little and then in a matter of fact manner, as though he was going to ask me where I wanted to go out for dinner, he says, "So there was something I've been thinking about asking you. (Pulls out the ring.) Will you marry me?" *insert irresistible Ben smile*

Words so simple and so sweet.

As I thought more about it, he had begun proposing long before...

He was proposing when he told me I was "his Lexi" and he would wait, if he needed to, until I figured that out (when I was dating someone else and he had text me to check in). He was proposing when he declared his intentions to close friends and family in the letter I shared a part of earlier in this post. He was proposing when he called my parents and asked for their blessing the week before he asked me. In some ways, with the overwhelming, Jesus kind of love he showed me from the beginning, he was proposing since we'd known each other for about 3 days. Lol.


"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-21