Bubbles & Squeaks

'Bubbles and squeak' is a term commonly referring to leftovers gathered from a big dinner, such as Thanksgiving, being mixed together and made into a second meal. It is so named because it makes bubbling and squeaking sounds during the cooking process. 

I think these last 2 years have been quite a cooking process and it is really cool to start to see some of what has come from it. The way I'm wired...there comes a point when I haven't written for a while where I feel like a cup overflowing with thoughts...bubbling over with what God has been pouring in and I know I HAVE to take time to pour out. I know this because everytime I do there winds up being someone I was meant to pour into and far be it from me to miss out on that! That be da gooooood stuff right?! I get filled back up from having processed and poured out. Love that beautiful paradox.

"It's a relief to talk without having to explain oneself isn't.."
"Yes, it is a privilege."
DOWNTON ABBEY, Season 3

To know and be known. To understand and be understood. Core needs really. Ministering to someone going through a very similar experience. One of my biggest confusions about going through a divorce is how I had the most joy the 3+ years preceding in being part of a ministry building into marriages and helping to equip women to be who God calls them to be. What? A divorce? Me? God, are you confusing this plan with one for someone else..cause I fought long and hard..through some crazy flippin' stuff to hold onto this marriage.

God was writing the script and when he came to me-it's like he had to take me aside and explain how he would be taking things for my character in an ummmm..different direction..shall we say...This detour has given me a new dimension to ministry that I would have never been able to speak into had I not walked the broken road I have these past few years.  Ok, so maybe "walked" is a bit popping off..sometimes I walked, sometimes I crawled, and sometimes I just wanted to pack up and run away from EVERYTHING! ;) Getting to see how God was going to take all the good, bad and the ugly from these experiences and use them to speak truth and comfort into people going through similar experiences is such an amazing release...so wonderful and humbling. Makes it all worth it.

Our church has been going through Mark Driscoll's book WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE about our identity in Christ through studying the book of Ephesians in the Bible.  Just as I was starting to hear loud and clear through this series that I need to be careful that I never see my divorce as my identity (aka-being defined by divorce or bad things that have happened in your life), it was my week to share my testimony (story of what God has done and is doing in my life) with my Community Group.

So, in just the way God likes to do, he gave me a biiiig bear hug through the people in my group when I shared. God's going~'See Lex, I'm here...by the way..I'm here...Hey Lex...uh huh, it's me and I am so here with you...'

First, our group leader told me that there was a specific set of verses he felt he was to share with me. When he opened up his Bible, it was from where else but Jonah. These were the EXACT verses that the sermon was preached out of that morning at a friend's church I'd visited. A set of verses that my leader wouldn't have had any way of knowing that I'd heard a message on them that very morning. Then, another woman in the group said that before I shared MY verse I had chosen to go along with my testimony, she'd like to share with me what SHE was sensing I needed to be reminded. What was that chapter of the Bible she shared? Oh..just the same one (Proverbs 31) that I was going to share as my verse: 

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

Speaking of that verse, oh man am I a people pleaser sometimes. It can be good at times, but others it is definitely to a fault. I've been learning a lot lately about how no matter how nice or gracious you might think you are being, it can be distorted or misunderstood. Sometimes you just have to let things lie, simmer, and work themselves out and have faith that God's doin' his thang.

Which brings me to my Ben. So, up to this point I have bubbled over with some of what God has been working in me...now come the squeaks.

squeak/skwik/ Show Spelled [skweek]
noun
1. a short, sharp, shrill cry; a sharp, high-pitched sound.
2. Informal. opportunity; chance: 

Most or all of you know that last weekend I got engaged. Yes, 'My Crazy Real-Life Inside Out Almost Match.com Love Story' (see  http://alexiscissell.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-crazy-real-life-inside-out-almost.html ) officially went to the next level~Ben proposed.                                                              *insert long, delighted sigh and giggle*


As I've promised to share the details of the proposal, let me first just give a little background to jump off of what I wrote in my last blog post where I somewhat introduced Ben to everyone. Gotta do this up proper..   

Ben and I spent some time apart around the holidays until I received a text out of the blue in mid-January. It was Ben checking in with me. When I casually said that I had begun to move on and was starting to date someone, I was not prepared for what came next...  

In an absolute epic fashion, Ben shared his feelings for me. I'm talking better than any love letter, lyric or poetic verse I'd ever heard, read or seen in a movie. They were words I simply couldn't ignore.  

You see, just a few weeks earlier, my sister, Corinne, had asked me if I thought Ben and I would get back together. For some reason, my gut reaction was to say that if he fought for me..I mean turned out to be a guy that really made clear his feelings and intentions..that would be the only way I'd know I was supposed to continue in the relationship with him.  

As I think about it, Ben too had been a great source of teaching me about how much I could get concerned about people's opinions/approval at times. I met him the first time and thought..hmm.. he's reeeally cute and funny and smart, but his voice is kind of different...almost a little squeaky at times. I now look back at those thoughts and think. Wow!! First of all, how judgmental am I?! As though he chose the voice the Lord gave him. Then I think to now when I would be so sad if his voice were any different. I love every bit of him. I love it that he has a child-like giggle, I love it that he freestyles...well, I love it that his voice has a million different tones and I can tell what is going on by which one he is using much of the time (and looking at his chin~which is his 'tell'). 

In my time being single, I'd learned what I was looking for in a guy.  To me, the right guy sees you fearing and takes your hand and says 'Let's do it together.' (In other words, who cares if you might look silly or don't know how, do it anyway!) A great guy hears an issue you differ in opinion on and opens up the Word to see what God says rather than letting a wedge grow in the battle of whose opinion is right or wrong. A great guy loves you not based on what you do or who he wants you to be, but who are you are... right now. (And just wants YOU to be happy with you.) A great guy seeks to resolve conflict calmly and compassionately-no matter who is at fault. A great guy protects your heart and wants both of you to save yourselves for one another as a gift from God to unwrap in his timing. This is so Ben.

If I still have not given enough of a picture of him, let me share with you (with his permission) part of a letter he wrote a few months ago:

"It started for me back when I was just about a teenager. We were living in Walla Walla, Washington, trying to start a church, but that’s a different story. My dad and I would pray together; but on this particular day, he felt led to teach me a new thing to pray for, a wife. Now being about 12 or so a wife was not high on my priorities but there was wisdom in what my dad was showing me, in that it takes a lot of preparation to become an amazing person, and an amazing spouse.

So on that day I started praying for my future wife, “Lord bless my wife. Protect her and let her grow into the woman you’ve made her to be. Also, help me to grow into the man you’ve made me to be; let me be wise, and humble, strong, and caring…” There were many other attributes I asked for but I can’t seem to recall them anymore. I prayed this prayer nearly every day a little less often during some of the more difficult times in my life and it evolved to cover more various attributes. I suppose from age 12 to 29 I had a constantly changing and growing view of what this amazing woman God would bless me with as a wife.

At age 29, I met Lexi, and in all honesty my dreams and fabrications of God's perfect woman for me were shattered and reformed in a matter of days. I had so far undershot the bar; I struggled to think Lexi was even a real person at first. I thought there is no way that anyone is this perfect for me she must be making some of this up. As time went by and I spent more time with her I realized that she was every single thing that she appeared to be, and it blew me away entirely. I thank God to the very moment of you reading this, and beyond, for allowing Lexi to find me, and allowing me to be a part of her life and Austin and Ella's as well.

I dearly love my Lexi, your daughter, your sister, your friend. With every fiber of what makes me who I am I love her..."

Now that is something to squeak, shout, and melt about yeah?!! Just blows me away everytime I read it.

But back to the proposal....

Last Saturday, we were headed out to Truckee/Lake Tahoe to bum around for the day and enjoy time just the two of us. We decided to go to beautiful Northstar Ski Area in Tahoe to walk around; and as we drove in, Ben suggested we check out a place he used to go to when he worked at Northstar years before. His "spot" was just past a long, winding street of no doubt million dollar vacation homes where there was a pretty overlook of the mountains and snow-covered golf course below.  I suggested we hop out of the car and sit on the car's trunk for a few minutes.

He agreed and so we went. I sat on the trunk, but he stayed standing. We chatted a little and then in a matter of fact manner, as though he was going to ask me where I wanted to go out for dinner, he says, "So there was something I've been thinking about asking you. (Pulls out the ring.) Will you marry me?" *insert irresistible Ben smile*

Words so simple and so sweet.

As I thought more about it, he had begun proposing long before...

He was proposing when he told me I was "his Lexi" and he would wait, if he needed to, until I figured that out (when I was dating someone else and he had text me to check in). He was proposing when he declared his intentions to close friends and family in the letter I shared a part of earlier in this post. He was proposing when he called my parents and asked for their blessing the week before he asked me. In some ways, with the overwhelming, Jesus kind of love he showed me from the beginning, he was proposing since we'd known each other for about 3 days. Lol.


"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-21

My Crazy Real-Life Inside Out Almost Match.com Love Story

When I left you in my last post, I was still doing a good amount of wrestling with singleness, divorce, near tidal waves of emotion (which came at oh so inconvenient times), and getting my footing in my brave new world, in general. God had just worked out a Communications internship at my church, Living Stones Church, and a job that would give me a schedule around the internship.  To make a long story short, I soon found that I could not pursue the internship, job and be a good mama-so for now, I had to put my dreams of writing for a ministry I am passionate about on the shelf for a little while longer. Not the right timing yet. I didn't want to put too much on my plate while the smoke cleared in my life. I prayed for a non-stressful, simple office job where I like the people I work with and that is exactly what I got.  A place to land while I figure out what I want to be 'when I grow up'. ;) Oh, and I am no longer a blondie, either...

So, I guess one could say that there are always multiple stories we are all part of at any given moment in time. We could also agree that while some of our stories are quite different, when we look a little closer-we see that there are so many ways they are the same.

Getting to the love story...I am getting there! I am getting there!  Promise. Though let's face it-this whole darn thing is a love story because I am one messed up chickadee and Jesus died for me anyway..so my whole existence is a story of love and grace...but I digress...

Here are few areas God has been working on in me:

* I don't have to fear failure, the unknown, new experiences, or not being good at something right away. There is purpose in it all. I best try to find it rather than throwing an adult temper tantrum.

*I need to embrace vulnerability and showing my true self/life. Covering things up brings division, but truth will set you (and others) free.

*Self control doesn't happen by accident. (Might I get an 'Amen!' from any other Christian singles reading this today?? ;) )

*Worry and trust are not friends.

*The approval of others is not ultimate; in fact, many will judge you knowing only part of the picture. Don't do that to other people. (This last lesson I am seeing God teach me about right and left in the relationship I am in.)

So, how, you ask, did this inside out, almost Match.com love story begin? 

After dating a few people long distance through the ChristianMingle dating site, I decided to give the more local possibility filled Match.com a try. After about two weeks of being on there, I started to get frustrated how nice, cute guys seemed a dime a dozen on there, but mature, Christian men were virtually unicorn status. I mean nada!! Just before I cancelled my membership, there waaaas this oooonnne guy. I could tell from his profile he was super cute, funny and was unapologetically saying that he had decided to re-commit his life, in terms of dating, to saving himself for his wife. Hmmm...THIS, I thought, could be a guy I'd like to meet. So, I emailed him a short message and didn't hear anything back. I cancelled my membership and posted up on Facebook that day that I was done with online dating and figured maybe I should just concentrate on other things for a while.

Several days later, Ben (aforementioned cuteous maximus) checked his email and to his surprise, as he thought he had cancelled his Match.com membership months before, found that it had been auto-renewed and he had received an email that he says he "read and just got a feeling about and so he replied". That is the "almost Match.com" part of the love story, but what about the "Crazy Real Life Inside Out" part?!

When friends, family, and well anybody find out you're dating someone, what are the average questions asked first? Answer: "Where does he live? What does he do for a living? What does he look like? Where is he from?" (and from many in my circle of friends I'd be asked, "Does he love Jesus?").

Ben is not the explainable by a simple answer kind of boyfriend. He and I, while having lived some very different lives, have found common threads in each of our stories as well. 

In my blog fresh out of my unexpected divorce last year ( http://alexiscissell.blogspot.com/2011/10/skin-i-am-in.html ) I wrote how the end of my marriage sometimes felt like a death was surrounding me and those who have known me for a while know that the 10+ years preceeding were often full of struggle as well.

For Ben, joining the Air Force on September 11, 2001 started a domino effect that today, 11 years later, is just now beginning to see resolution. It is a chain of events (without telling too much of his incredible story as I have encouraged him to do himself someday when he's ready) that surrounded him with death at times and kept him from sleeping well for the better part of the past 10 years.  He saw and experienced things that no person should have to.  For the past 2 years, he has fought for the help he needed to heal and the rating from the military that would both compensate him, to an extent, for all he has been through and help him to start over. Thankfully, the likelihood of getting his official rating soon and starting to sleep again have allowed him to dream again. Now he can figure out what it looks like to pursue what he is passionate about: music, sound engineering, and helping other people like him to recover and reclaim their lives.

He is still tired most days as his sleep issues are only beginning to get better, but he is having way more good days than bad. He fought using any meds at all for years, but has found help in them (for now). As he is former military and personal trainer, he has struggled with how the meds lent to gaining some weight. But, as I remind him, it is temporary and will all go back to normal. He is a fighter and he is an extraordinary, handsome, hilarious, genuine gentleman who loves Jesus.

All this to say, he is not an easy person to explain in a short answer to the usual questions people ask you about who you are dating. At times, his circumstances can take extra patience and understanding, but hey, I'm a newly divorced mother of two~so I may be wise to not be casting any stones in that area..:)


"God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"

"Better Than A Hallelujah" ~ Amy Grant
(Listen at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD_pCr_Xrnc )

As I do with all thoughts I am really wrestling through, I laid my heart out there for the wisdom of my amazing, beautiful inside and out, best friend, Ashley Hunter, and her response was dead-on accurate (as always). She said (paraphrased):

"You know, Lex, you might meet a super rich, hot guy and he may sound good to tell people about because of outer/surfacy stuff, but he could be a total douche bag on the inside when you get to know him. It sounds to me like you have been getting to know Ben-his heart, his character and you are into him for all of the right reasons. The ones that matter and last. He is getting a lot of things figured out in his life and that's an ok place to be. Walk with him while he does that and you'll see that having the inside be solid and the outer things come in time could be perfect for the slow speed you are looking for anyway."

Life isn't always put together in a way that makes sense or is all wrapped up prettyfied in a bow, is it?! God sowed it in me to have the ability to love people who need someone to look beneath the surface, the temporary, or the roughnesss around their edges to see their amazingness and potential. I thank God for bringing someone in my life who loves me for me and only asks that I do the same. Ben is an answer to prayer and I look forward to seeing whatever God has next for us in our crazy, real-life love story.

"So praise God we don't have to hide scars

Yeah we know his are covering ours

Praise God we don't have to hide scars

They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts

They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are

So Praise God we don't have to hide scars."

"Scars" ~ Jonny Diaz

(Listen at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5ciMXK92EY&feature=related )

*******************************************************************

Call this my little denouement, confession, or P.S. of sorts, but not a week after I wrote this blog post I had a total freak out moment. I got overwhelmed at all of the rough edges in Ben's fight to get better and in my healing process that I almost threw in the towel.

Well..... truth be told-I DID throw in the towel.. I broke up with Ben and then realized very quickly I had done it out of fear, misunderstanding and confusion. It didn't sit well in my soul at all! I spent the next few days praying for clarity and figuring out how to clear up this great miscommunication.

Truth be told, Ben has a long road ahead, yet is every bit a diamond in the rough.

Truth be told, I have a long road ahead too; yet in realizing how much I have to learn, I will see what it is to be in a healthy, God-centered relationship full of love and laughter. What more could a girl ask for? ;)         

My Poker Face

"Mum mum mum mah...I wanna hold em' 

like they do in Texas please.." 
"Poker Face" LADY GAGA

It is said that 'great pain yields great art' and thus I am attempting to make myself write my thoughts down as it is all still raw and in the process of sinking in.  I can definitely say that in my unexpected entrance this year into the world of being single for the first time since age 19, I have had to work on my "poker face" (and boy oh boy does it need some work)!!

As I was watching the movie HITCH tonight, I had to laugh at the irony of my favorite scene!  You know the one..Will Smith is teaching Kevin James' character, Albert, how to/how not to dance to impress the girl he likes. Believe it or not, I saw SUCH a parallel between my "game," or "poker face" if you will, and Kevin James in that famous scene.  There is a way you are 'supposed to' do being single: to be cool, to play hard to get, don't seem too interested too soon, or to appear if at all possible cooler than you are.  Then there is the way Albert is: goofy, just being himself, awkward, clumsy, and a just a glorious, hot mess!  As I am barely getting my footing in this new stage, I would say I so identify!!

(MOVIE CLIP:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bH0OXsmsbQ )

At times, the sheer abundance of NEW aspects in my life~new city, new friends, new job, new church, new school for kids, new home/belongings (Well, not "new", but new to me since I had sold most of my stuff prior to leaving California in thinking I was moving up to Alaska for my now ex-husband's job), and yes, new relationship status-from married to single~well, it's just been pretty darn overwhelming at times!

There are moments when I have had the BRING IT ON! attitude~Is the new relationship I allowed myself to be open to going to pan out how I'd thought? No?! Bring it on! Is it always going to be so weird being around my husband of nearly 11 years when he visits Reno from Alaska to see the kids..except OOPSY DAISY...he isn't my husband anymore and sometimes feels a little more like a stranger everytime I see him?!! Well, shee-ooot, bring THAT on too! 

Ain't nothin'..I mean..NO-THING and no part..about divorce that feels natural or comfortable to me. Granted, it may never feel alright or truly sit well in my soul.  It's like you get in this head space where you realize that anything and anyone could be taken away at any given moment. This was always the truth, but this year really brought it all up in my face! The crazy part, as it all starts to be even a little bit normal, is that you know that you are in a situation that will have ripple effects for the rest of your life. These effects will, admittedly, be both good and bad; but at first, it seems you see a lot more of the bad.  Although he in no way would have wanted this divorce, I come back often to the comfort of the simple truth that God is not at all surprised about where I find myself RIGHT now and he most definitely allowed the circumstances that brought me to this point. 

 "Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
"Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise"
"Rise" SHAWN MCDONALD
 Listen(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2ti1BikZrA)

Sure, there are still days where the pain is so real that I just have to catch my breath. There are these unpredictable waves of sadness that come and go almost without warning.  As sometimes Ella gets upset if I am and I DO NOT LIKE crying around other people, I am relieved that these times come along a lot less now than they did at first. The holidays definitely were a trigger for me to feel the weight of how everything is changing before my eyes. A complete shake up of life as I know it.

"Blessed are the ones who understand

We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands

Nothing to hide and nothing to prove

Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart."

"Fall Apart" JOSH WILSON
Listen(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKISYTwnn0A)

On a brighter side, I am definitely learning life lessons that would have never come in the same way had this all not happened!  I am a planner. I find great comfort in routine and knowing what to expect. This experience has been NONE of that!  I looked for a job off and on for almost three months-doing a Temp Job when I first got here as a Leasing Agent at an Apartment complex. Since then I had probably 4-5 job possibilities where, for whatever out-of-my-hands reason, the door closed right before they worked out. 

About an hour after one of these jobs unexpectedly disappeared, I got a call from one of the pastors at my church. Mind you, if you'd asked me what my dream job would be in moving to Reno, I would have said: Working in some capacity for Living Stones Church. (They are part of the same ACTS 29 NETWORK of churches that my church in Dallas area, The Village Church, is part of and I knew the raw, gospel-centered, non-religious style of how they do ministry). So, the pastor calls me out of the blue to ask me if I am still interested in doing an internship that I had expressed interest in upon first moving to Reno. I knew that it was a TOTAL stretch to think that a single mom could somehow work out the logistics of being able to do an unpaid part-time internship, but I also knew that if God wanted me to do it, HE was going to provide the paid job to go along with it. 

Several days later, I received another out of the blue phone call, but this time from my boss from the Temp Job I had done. She asked me to come in to talk about working for her and as I did so the next day, she utters the words "What would be your ideal schedule to come work for me so that you could do the internship you are wanting to do?" Whaaa??!! After all the ups and downs of job hunting (which is already a humbling and scary time without mixing in the plethora of new aspects of my life and going through a divorce at the same time), it was such a gi-normous evidence of grace to find that God had been working it out in his oh so perfect timing, as if I should have been surprised?! 

Seeing the way God put together the job/internship scenario led me to ask myself some questions: "Why do I feel like I need to know everything right now? Is it a reaction to an extreme loss of control? Is it a protection mechanism where if I know a person, job, situation could let me down, I attempt to shutdown to prepare my heart for it? I know I am called to guard my heart, but still being fresh out of the trauma of divorce, do I just go numb instead of allowing valid emotions to surface and meet them head on to accomplish the purposes for which they were meant (i.e-the pain, the over cautiousness, even the euphoria when things do go well)?  I have learned that while I do need to allow myself to feel, there are limits to how those emotions should be allowed to function in my life. As my Pastor Harvey Turner @ Living Stones Church Reno has said: "Feelings are not a source of truth!" So numbing = bad, but letting feelings overtake or direct me = bad too!!

If you know me well, you know if I am happy, sad, upset, excited, angry..it is written ALL OVER MY FACE!! As I tend to be someone who wants to get confrontation or awkward moments out of the way as quickly as possible, this trait isn't all bad. If you and I aren't on the same page, I want us to get to a point where both of us feel completely understood ASAP. Nothing left unsaid! So, for me, there has never been a point in telling lies or trying to put on a facade as my face betrays me and my emotions are evident to all anyway!

"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles,
Facades are a fire on the skin.
Oh, I'm growing fond of broken people,
As I see that I am one of them."
"Pins and Needles" MUTEMATH
 Listen(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkFTyWjhb-Y)

The part where I am finding I need more of a "poker face" mentality is in learning how to have the heart/mindset of a Christian single person. Ugh! The heart of a Christian wife is full of ways to love her husband well, to notice and anticipate his needs and serve him well, to be there for him when he needs to feel understood, and to respect him even if you are not in complete agreement with his decisions at times. The heart of a single person approaching the man or woman they like or are dating is SO different! Holding your cards a little tighter and learning how to rock a bit of a "poker face" is apparently part of the equation! 

It's a no brainer that I am going to be coming into any new relationship with the caution that trust issues easily lend themselves to. Furthermore, when you've never been in a truly healthy relationship (as I mentioned in my last post), how do you even know how to be in one? What does it look like? When can you let on that you are into this person and when is it up to them to lead that part in order to allow them to pursue you (and not the other way around)? I have so much to learn!!! ;)

To this, "I wear my heart on my sleeve" kind of gal,  it is strange to hold back thoughts, emotions, affection (mentally and physically) that I had a great deal more freedom of expression when I was married than as a single. I forgot what it means to be at the beginning of a relationship and be OK with being before the point where you know how to define it. As I shared in my last post:

"Your poker face ain’t fooling nobody, nobody here..
Hey brother we’re all learning to love again."
"Learning to Love Again" MAT KEARNEY
Listen(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vepJ-uItI-0)

I can see God teaching me that part of the healing process I am in includes learning how to be content in my singleness and seek wise counsel in learning what a genuinely healthy relationship looks like. Coming from a lifetime of "dysfunction junction what's your function"..that is proving easier said than done. However, we all know that we learn from the hard situations and failures in life-including failed relationships and unwise choices.  I am confident that God has and will use it all.  I am so thankful for how God has put people in my life that have greatly distracted me from the mountains in front of me and have given me pure joy&happiness when it could have been terribly sad.  I can clearly see that I will struggle with being patient in the uncertain times and in the waiting periods God has us all in at one point or another for our good.  This leads me to my last part of what God has been weaving into my new chapter of life...

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us...

let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

1 John 3:16a, 18 (ESV)

It has become apparent to me that a key part of my healing process lies in figuring out how I define love~how I give it, how I receive it, and not accepting less than what it was meant to be. I have been thinking a lot about how I have only known conditional love with guys: If you do this for me or look like this or act like this or change this about yourself, THEN I will love you. (Works-based love) At the same time, I see the way God loves me: Without condition, without fail, and pursues my heart completely without me deserving it..that's for sure! That grace-based love has made me aware that I could not settle for anything less than someone who was seeking to love me in the way God does (with his help, of course). 

This single gig can get L-O-N-E-L-Y.  Even with two fantastic, fun kiddos, I have found myself already longing for a companion..but not just any companion~the right one.  As my heart doesn't lend itself to the casual dating scene, I know there may be a significant amount of time before this 'right one' comes along. So, until then, I am striving to find a balance between working on my single girl 'poker face' and, like Albert did in HITCH, finding love by being every bit of who I am (and finding someone who totally digs that)!

"Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be"
"Sigh No More" MUMFORD&SONS
 Listen(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujv3c0TqLRk)

The Skin I Am In

Let me start by saying that I have instated a 6 month (minimum) ban from all sappy, slow songs in my neck of the woods. Good Lord, some days I am one ballad away from losin' my ever-loving mind (if I ever had it)! As I have moved no less than 10 times since getting married in December of 2000, I have my share of pockets of people I adore all around this fine nation! So, the trick, when something HUGE goes down is figuring out how to tell everyone what is going on and NOT feel overwhelmed in telling the same story over and again. Especially when the story is as confusing to live as it is to tell. So, with that said, here goes nothin'...

"She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."
Mat Kearney ~ "Closer to Love"

Sooooo..in late May, I got THAT call. My marriage was in serious trouble, and by August, it was un-officially over. The details? They are many, but alas, they are not my focus today...and I doubt I will ever 'go there' via blog. Not the place for that. What my focus IS going to be today is to tell the tale, from my perspective, of my process of beginning to embrace the new skin I am in. I now live in Reno with the kids and Wayne lives in Alaska (as we were in the process of moving there when this all went down). That aspect, I would argue, is perhaps the worst part of the current situation...and THAT is saying something.

I think when you've never been in a truly healthy relationship with the opposite sex (apart from a parent), you accept a lot of things as normal. Add that to the fact that I truly believed that when I married this blue-eyed, muscly, freckled boy, he BECAME the right man; and to me, good, bad, or ugly, I was going to make things work. I left it all on the field, so to speak, and though I am as big of sinner in need of grace as anyone else, I don't know that I look back in regret at any part of the last 12 years since I met him.

As this ending to a chapter of my life is, to me, sudden, shocking, and full of unpredictable emotion, it feels like a "death" of sorts. Here is a little excerpt from some thoughts I put down in late August when it was very fresh:

"It is true that I haven't been around the death of a really close friend or family member in my life yet, but I would guess this 'death' I am walking through is a small taste of what it's like. The people you love the most cry and there are no words that can truly make it better. This "death" is like an out of body experience where you wake up every single day and think-if even for just a split second-that it was all some kind of bad dream. And then, each day, the new reality sinks in slowly as you MAKE yourself get out of bed. Oh, how life can be strange! The things you never question, never think could happen to you~in an instant~your new normal."

Right about now you are probably thinking..wow, Alexis, this blog is preeetty, freakin' depressing..so let me relieve you by saying that I promise it gets better from here!!

"Your poker face ain’t fooling nobody, nobody here
We’ve all felt the flame and shed those same tears..
Hey brother we’re all learning to love again"
Mat Kearney ~ "Learning to Love Again"

If I said I am not a walking, talking, open wound some days still, I would be a lyin' woman. What I WILL tell you is that God has already allowed me to see Him use this mess to bring people closer to Himself and I think that is truly something!! That alone would allow me to end this blog post right now on a hope-filled note; yet, there is more to look at on the positive.

I now wake up to the possibility that there could be a boy out there who would wholly, purely, and unconditionally love me someday. Isn't that amazing?! I never thought I would have a first kiss again or get those butterflies in my stomach when I think about someone and that could now be in my future. I could be accepted and adored for being nothing more or less than being who God made me. That is AWESOMENESS!

It is true that I am not yet used to the terms: divorce, divorcee, single mom, ex-husband, etc. These words still make me squirm and having the experience of being the new girl in town and having no choice but to get used to using these words as part of my story has been weird! I suppose it is because I never thought it would BE part of my story that I am still a little uncomfortable with it..not because anyone has been judgmental or anything like that.

I have had SUCH an overwhelming, humbling-because-I-could-never-repay-it kind of love pouring out from friends, family, and even complete strangers who have walked in the shoes I now find myself. When something bad happens and good comes from it, I suppose it is always bittersweet. I am currently rounding out a lot of the bitter part (and bitterness) and wanting to leave it behind for the sweet!

I have been reminded of so many things that in the past I am sure I took for granted. God's mercies are new each and every morning. He is faithful in a way that is so constant and so perfect in timing that I am always in awe that an undeserving, rebellious sinner like me could be on the receiving end. Even in the dark moments, I have gotten to see God redeem them by giving me the right words to say or having the right words spoken to me. Though this new single life is lonely at times, it's like I can see God running interference for me; and, for what he is doing and what he has already done, I am eternally grateful and hopeful for what comes next...

"Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now from so far away
You pull me closer to love.."
Mat Kearney ~ "Closer to Love"

"The Soul of Modesty" (The Blog Post formerly known as~"You're So Vain-I Bet You Think This Blog is About You..Don't You")

**NOTE TO THE READER: I have written on this topic before and got the feeling from several people that they thought the blog post was about them (thus the tongue-in-cheek "formerly known as" SONG TITLE reference); and so, I will be specific in this introductory disclaimer. This post is written primarily to women/girls who are in love with Jesus Christ, believe in the authority of the Scriptures, and have been given a new heart which is being transformed, genuinely wanting to know him better and make him known. Not that anyone&everyone are not more than welcome to read this, but I think it important to make clear that I am seeking to open this dialogue as I am sorting through how I view this topic in my own life-NOT as a judgment on anyone who is not a believer.**

1 Corinthians 2:14 (NIV)
"The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit."

A few weeks back, I tuned into FAMILYLIFE TODAY and heard Pastor C.J. Mahaney's three part message on THE SOUL OF MODESTY. As I had heard discussions on the topic before, I didn't expect anything new. You know the scene. You sit down to hear a talk and are ready to do some superb half-listening (because in your mind-you've been there, heard that). I should have known better! C.J. Mahaney likes to blow things wide open, deconstruct them and then piece them back in a way that allows you to process them differently; and for those who might have taken something lightly before, he likes to share the weight of why what he is discussing should matter to you! I am going to share the parts that struck me the most in hopes that maybe someone who reads this might also find it good stuff to consider and pray about again-or even for the first time.

He began with the statement~"Any Biblical discussion of modesty begins with addressing the heart not the hemline!" He then read:

1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NLT)
"And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do."

and the ESV version

"likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works."

Both versions are worth mentioning because they show important points about what IS and what IS NOT being said here. He first challenges us to ask 3 questions:

1) What statement do your clothes make about your heart?
**THERE IS AN INSEPARABLE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HEART AND CLOTHES.

2) Is your shopping/purchasing clothes governed by modesty and self-control?
**DO YOU TAKE GOD TO 'THE GAP' (OR WHEREVER YOU SHOP)?

3) In choosing clothes for this morning, whose attention do you desire? Whose approval do you crave?
**WARDROBE IS A STATEMENT OF PUBLIC AND PRIVATE MOTIVATION.

As he unpacked this discussion of 'modesty and self-control' (seen in the ESV translation), he also made the point that it is a matter of how and why women draw attention to themselves. This was a distinction that made me think. Broadening the definition of modesty to be broader than the stereotypical tightness, shortness, cleavage, and hemlines can cause men to stumble was interesting to me. Though he did address that aspect in an interesting way as well, I will hit that later. The way he puts it is that the issue is less the WHAT and more the WHY in discerning what statement we are making with our choices in clothes for ourselves and our daughters. Put in another way, immodesty is much more than wearing a short skirt or low cut shirt. It is the act of drawing undue attention to yourself. Modesty is humility expressed in dress.

He goes on to explain that he is not saying that enhancing your appearance is somehow wrong, but we are not to be a distraction or dress seeking to make our body the center of attention. Paul, the writer of 1 Timothy, is speaking more about the time, expense, focus, and intent of heart behind the donning of this hairdo/ apparel. Mahaney explains that in Paul's time, rich women and harlots would dress elaborately to draw attention to themselves and be a distraction to the church of their time.

I don't think any of us would dispute that church is to be a resting place for our men. We serve our brothers by not pursuing this attention. I think most of us know, but may not care, how we can be a minefield for our men who are attempting to avoid lusting. My mind goes to Jesus teaching in Matthew 5:27-28:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Let's be real here for a sec. and bring it to a level we can all relate to. We live in culture that accepts and encourages all of us to lust all day long. Whether it is movies, TV, Internet, Ads, Billboards, Magazines or just walking down the street-we live in a highly sexualized world. This leads me to ponder lots of questions:

Because we are so desensitized to all this, do we also then become accepting of too much and lack discernment without even realizing it? Do we formulate our own set of opinions of what is/is not permissible relative to the world, circle of friends and/or culture around us? When women are depicted/spoken of from a purely superficial, sexual, objectifying perspective, do we even bat a pretty little eyelash? Do we join in? Do we think that if we don't struggle in the area of lust that it is then ok to expose ourselves to whatever we deem 'not that bad'? Do we equate our highly visual men looking at Porn or going out to a strip club to being part of what the world has told us 'masculinity'(what it means to be a M-A-N)is? Do we, as women, let ourselves get wrapped up in the love stories of our books and movies as though these were real people (and then sometimes wonder why our relationships fall grossly short of what we are seeing/reading)? Do we, as women, wear more revealing clothes or swimsuits in warmer months and chalk it up to everyone else doing the same? Do we, as women, let our imaginations go a teeny bit wild when we think of how so and so is/has such a great __________ (Fill in the blank with whatever inward/outward trait you think that your husband lacks)?

I throw these out there because they are the questions I ask myself all of the time! The issue is not to say: "Hmmmmm..I am guilty of this and not of that, I agree with this and not with that as much as---Am I asking those questions to the Lord at all? If these things matter to God, should they not then matter to me as a believer, and if not, why not?

So true that we all have to examine our heart as God will reveal different parts of this equation to us all and convict us in his timing and his own way, but we can't walk around with our own set of standards in ignorance (though I find denial can be quite comfortable and non-intrusive to the sinful patterns in my life I don't want to let go of). However, I know that I can't live my life without constantly asking God if there is some aspect of any issue that he wants to change for his glory or something he wants to bring to my attention?

So, let's return, for a minute, back to Pastor Mahaney. He asked a group of Christian guys what goes through their mind when they see a girl dressed immodestly. Two of the responses spoke volumes to me:

"Sometimes when I see a girl who is provocatively dressed, I think-she probably doesn't know that 100 guys are going to devour her in their minds today, but then again, maybe she does..."

"If women had any idea what really goes through guys' minds, surely they would change the way they dress."

Again, Mahaney's "SOUL OF MODESTY" message was divided up into 3 parts: Attitude, Appearance, and Allegiance. I already touched a bit on the first two, but the meat, so to speak, was the last part when he looked at modesty in regards to who we live our lives in allegiance to.

He equates allegiance, for this discussion, to what motivates us, why we care or are concerned. He argues that the heart of the Godly should be, in all things, motivated by the Gospel. Seeking to live with a heart of modesty and self-control is not a moral suggestion, he says, it is about the Gospel (which is what is discussed in the verses leading up to aforementioned v.9-10). The Gospel calls us out to be distinctly different in our modesty, but this is not a call to self-righteousness either! This is not a mental checklist, but a framework through which we, who have a relationship with God through Jesus, are called to think on EVERYTHING.

Let me end as I began. Mahaney was very purposeful to say that this issue is to be handled differently in the church depending on whether people are Christians or not. I really love the way he put it, so I will end with this:

"I want the church to be a place where women, motivated by grace, dress modestly for the glory of God. I want the church to be a place where people who are not Christians can come dressed immodestly and be warmly welcomed and NOT self-righteously judged. Eventually, the issue needs to be addressed; but until then, I am so glad when I hear an immodestly dressed non-believer or new Christian woman was welcomed at church by fellow sinners who understand there are deeper issues that must be addressed in her heart and life prior to adjusting her wardrobe."

Losing My Religion

To all people who ever thought or said that I have become "religious," this ones for you...

I can be a selfish person. My natural inclination is for comfort, control, security, acceptance and momentary pleasure. I struggle with low self confidence one day and pride another; and in addition, I can be too bold with my opinion in one conversation and not say a thing to share with someone about Jesus in another. I daily demonstrate to the One who created me that I not only know better than him, but I value and want to follow after his creation more than him. It is not overstating the case to say that my heart motives, left to doing things my own way, are desperately wicked. I often spend time with God and give of my time,talents and money, when/if it is convenient for me. I can get angry and sarcastic when things don't go my way, like a child throwing a tantrum, and tend to medicate my fears and emotional pain with food. All this now and, no doubt, more issues will come in the future, yet I am neither discontent, nor the least bit discouraged or depressed. Why? I am a Christian and I know I do not struggle through these issues alone.

I find it fascinating how in a world that celebrates freedom of expression and glorifies tolerance, when one professes that they have become a Bible-believing Christian, the reactions can be filled with such an overwhelming abundance of stereotypes, assumptions and overall prejudice (coupled with a hint of eye rolling). Though I am not denying the fact that the Bible promises me I can count on adverse reactions in following Jesus, I would also attribute this attitude to a presupposed feeling of judgment aimed on them, and even more so, a long list of people they know who have called themselves "Christians" and personified all said negative stereotypes, assumptions and prejudices. I totally get that.

Pastor Matt Chandler, humorously says it well in his commentary about Luke 6:22: "People read: “Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man!” That's going to be an important little line there, because some of you are just pompous jerks and people hate you because you're a pompous jerk, not because of Jesus—because you're an arrogant, graceless soul, and that's why people hate you. Now I know you like to use this verse as a “They hate me because I love the Lord.” No, they hate you because you're a jerk."

So let's get those people out of the way.."Nominal Christians" (Christians only in name, but not reality) the ones who by their misguided actions and words misrepresent who Jesus is in countless ways and some who even go to Westboro Baptist style extremes and act a fool picketing soldier's funerals with "GOD HATES FAGS" signs. If you haven't noticed, there is no shortage of people calling themselves "Christians" we see on TV and in movies with a backwoods, unintelligent, close-minded and mean spirited mentality; or, more often, we all know those who profess to be a "Christian", but have no other evidence that there has been any spiritual transformation having occurred in their life nor anything that sets them apart as different than any other person.

Just look at any controversy involving a Christian or Christian topic that makes the news, such as the current one of Pastor Rob Bell writing a book called LOVE WINS (that denies that there is a Hell and says everyone is eventually going to Heaven). This is when all the prominent news media gather up all of their "Christian" pundits to weigh in. For those of us who know Jesus and see the distinct difference between Religion and The Gospel, this is such a frustrating cringefest (so very hard to watch) as we feel in no way represented by these people who seem not to be acquainted with the God of the Bible, but only God who wants to bash us over the head with his oppressive book of rules!!

Here is some keen insight into what the distinctions are between the life of a "religious" person and a Gospel-centered Christian. And, if by chance, you don't know what I am meaning by The Gospel, I think it will be explained well enough to you by reading this portion of an article written by author and Pastor Tim Keller:

***********************************************
Religion vs. The Gospel

RELIGION: I obey-therefore I’m accepted.
THE GOSPEL: I’m accepted-therefore I obey.

RELIGION: Motivation is based on fear and insecurity.
THE GOSPEL: Motivation is based on grateful joy.

RELIGION: I obey God in order to get things from God.
THE GOSPEL: I obey God to get to God-to delight and resemble Him.

RELIGION: When circumstances in my life go wrong, I am angry at God or my self, since I believe, like Job’s friends that anyone who is good deserves a comfortable life.
THE GOSPEL: When circumstances in my life go wrong, I struggle but I know all my punishment fell on Jesus and that while he may allow this for my training, he will exercise his Fatherly love within my trial.

RELIGION: When I am criticized I am furious or devastated because it is critical that I think of myself as a ‘good person’. Threats to that self-image must be destroyed at all costs.
THE GOSPEL: When I am criticized I struggle, but it is not critical for me to think of myself as a ‘good person.’ My identity is not built on my record or my performance but on God’s love for me in Christ. I can take criticism.

RELIGION: My prayer life consists largely of petition and it only heats up when I am in a time of need. My main purpose in prayer is control of the environment.
THE GOSPEL: My prayer life consists of generous stretches of praise and adoration. My main purpose is fellowship with Him.

RELIGION: My self-view swings between two poles. If and when I am living up to my standards, I feel confident, but then I am prone to be proud and unsympathetic to failing people. If and when I am not living up to standards, I feel insecure and inadequate. I’m not confident. I feel like a failure.
THE GOSPEL: My self-view is not based on a view of my self as a moral achiever. In Christ I am “simul iustus et peccator”—simultaneously sinful and yet accepted in Christ. I am so bad he had to die for me and I am so loved he was glad to die for me. This leads me to deeper and deeper humility and confidence at the same time. Neither swaggering nor sniveling.

RELIGION: My identity and self-worth are based mainly on how hard I work. Or how moral I am, and so I must look down on those I perceive as lazy or immoral. I disdain and feel superior to ‘the other.’
THE GOSPEL: My identity and self-worth are centered on the one who died for His enemies, who was excluded from the city for me. I am saved by sheer grace. So I can’t look down on those who believe or practice something different from me. Only by grace I am what I am. I’ve no inner need to win arguments.

RELIGION: Since I look to my own pedigree or performance for my spiritual acceptability, my heart manufactures idols. It may be my talents, my moral record, my personal discipline, my social status, etc. I absolutely have to have them so they serve as my main hope, meaning, happiness, security, and significance, whatever I may say I believe about God.
THE GOSPEL: I have many good things in my life—family, work, spiritual disciplines, etc. But none of these good things are ultimate things to me. None of them are things I absolutely have to have, so there is a limit to how much anxiety, bitterness, and despondency they can inflict on me when they are threatened and lost.
********************************************
Granted, Christians ARE going to be offensive to some no matter what-even if they are people who are genuine in their faith, belief, love and joy for Jesus and for other people. The claims of Christianity are not in any way the ooey gooey, touchy feely spiritual buffet from which you can choose what you want and what you don't. I like the way C.S. Lewis puts it: “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” I would say that, in my own life, I grew up with the perspective of the RELIGION side as my understanding of God and then only began to comprehend THE GOSPEL side of the coin as I became a Christian in college..it is quite the never-ending process though!!

In wrapping these thoughts up, there are two more areas regarding the perception of Christians I'd like to dive into a bit in this particular discussion. There are just so many directions that I could wander off to, and I always know there are parts I am going to mistakenly leave out or not convey clearly enough-but I am trying hard to keep on topic. I must say, too, that this blog post is kind of like that cathartic conversation you imagine in your head and sooo wish you could have said this or shared that...with so many people, but know that the reality is that you may never get to!

The first is how Christians are often dismissed as being a group of religious hypocrites.

It is no surprise that I am going to borrow from Matt Chandler once more on the oh-so-common question about Christians: Why are there so many hypocrites? (Hey, if someone says it better than you, 'tis a no brainer to use their verbiage, right?!! ;))

"So if you’re talking about Jesus, one of the things that always comes out is how they know people who go to church who are no better than them and they’re just hypocrites. I honestly don’t think that’s real difficult to address. I always want to go one of two angles:

1-I almost always want to go, “That’s because most people who go to church aren’t actually Christians.” That tends to be the one I want to play. If you’ve got history here, you know that I don’t think you’re automatically saved. I think when you were seven-years-old, you went to RA camp where they did a scary skit about hell, I terrified you and so you repeated prayer, and despite that fact that you’re not in your twenties or thirties and have no love for Jesus Christ and have had no transformation in how you live your life, you bank your eternal soul on your fear when you were seven at RA camp converting you to Jesus Christ. So what I want to say is that I don’t think most people who go to church actually really love
the Lord or have any intention of following Him whatsoever. I think they go to church because it’s some sort of socio-cultural idea here in the South that this is what we do. They think they’re Christians because their parents were, they think they’re Christians because they’re Texans, they think they’re Christians because they’re Americans and they think they’re Christians because their parents dragged them to church for as far back as they can remember. It does not mean that they are. Someone saying that they’re a Christian doesn’t mean that they are one.

2-So although I don’t do that one the most, I tend to take it more to the positive. I just try to go, “Yeah, they really are hypocrites. I pastor a church. They are a screwy bunch of hypocrites. How insane is it that God loves and serves and pursues that screwy bunch of mess-ups. He loves them and forgives them and continues to lavish grace upon them.” So I don’t think the hypocrisy argument really is
solid enough to last."

A Gospel-centered Christian does not view the hypocritical route as a viable road to take. A route where you go head first purposely continuing in sin because you can just ask the magic genie in the sky to forgive you. This is an altogether incorrect view of God and grace, in general. However, Gospel-centered Christians are the ones pleading with God in their daily struggles with sin to help them turn away that they might be submitting every area to a loving God for their joy and with gratitude. Bringing me to my second point..

To a Gospel-centered Christian, the Bible is God-breathed, living and active, without error, and the ultimate authority above our opinions on whatever comes our way in life. It is a love letter to us centered on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and God's pursuit of our hearts. Reconciliation, redemption, restoration...

To someone who is not a Christian, or Nominal Christian, it might be considered: a holy book of suggestions, a storybook, a book of rules or good morals/family values, or to some, maybe it has no meaning at all. God then is whoever each person says he is and it is up to each individual to set the set of standards by which they live their lives. It might be another religion, it might be Oprah style self-help by seeking to love yourself and make your own self whole through self discovery, it could be a mixture of whatever serves one's purposes at the moment.

Whatever the case, some verses shed light on why it is this way:

1 Corinthians 2:14 (NIV) "The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit."

Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV) "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."

Ephesians 2:4-5,7-9 "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

I have heard it said that people are afraid to be transparent and honest about their struggles, lest their "Christianity" be questioned by their group of friends, office, family, etc. Isn't it such a relief then to all of us who are constantly learning and perpetually making mistakes, that God does not love some future version of us-but who we are (junk and all) right this second!! There is no room for being anything but humble living in this realization of our desperate need for God. It is only fitting that our response would be one of gratitude and worship to what he has done for us...and hope that everyone we know and love would come to see this..but back to the the point..

So, whatever is meant when it is said to me that I have become so "religious," I have to take it with a grain of salt that this is most likely not meant to come off like a four letter word or an insult. It may mean that someone disagrees with the claims of Christianity, it may be an indicator of an inaccurate view of who I am and what I am about...who knows..but regardless these were just a few things I felt needed to be said. No matter the cause, feeling judged and misunderstood is never my idea of a good time! But hey, no one ever said this life would be easy.

As is predictable if you know me at all, I will leave you with a song. If you have not noticed, this is the third blog post with a song name for a title that I thought fit the topic appropriately. Love music, love to write, love people (whether I agree with them or not).

"Give me words, I'll misuse them
Obligations, I'll misplace them
Cuz all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free."
Jason Gray "More Like Falling in Love"

Listen by: highlighting, right clicking "Copy" & then pasting this to your web browser..

http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/More+Like+Falling+In+Love/2BiHkT?src=5

The Measure of a Man

"Oh I say the measure of a man /
Is not how tall you stand/
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I found out the measure of a man /
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines /
The measure of a man"
THE MEASURE OF A MAN by 4HIM

LISTEN TO THE SONG:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/The+Measure+Of+A+Man/2Ia4Ck?src=5

What are my main hopes and dreams for my children as they grow up at a 'Ludicrous Speed'pace? Sometimes as a parent, I start thinking: what exactly am I trying to mold them into? What do I want to be true of them when they are ready to leave home? Much of these thoughts are, admittedly, fueled by fear; or similarly, considered in light of how kids are a reflection of ourselves-but what is it that I am helping guide them to be?

The fear I elude to has touched my heart full force as we moved from the affluent, pretty-fied appearance of the city/people of suburban Dallas to move to the quirky, somewhat ghetto, desert town of Lancaster, California three years ago. Its reputation is not one of beauty or safety and I do have to admit there are a definitely a variety of 'cuckoo for cocoa puffs' people here..but I have to be fair. In scratching beneath the surface, Lancaster is kind of suburban Dallas without the mask or pretense. What you see here is what you get.

This new environment has caused me to ask several questions of myself: How often do I judge people & places from the outside before I know the inside? What/who determines what my kids will be like when they grow up? What makes a person a 'success' in life?

HOW OFTEN DO I JUDGE PEOPLE AND PLACES FROM THE OUTSIDE BEFORE I KNOW THE INSIDE?

We all know that the term "Thugs" does not denote a certain race or nationality. My definition is someone that I would feel unsafe around. It might be that the tatts on their bald head remind me of a recent episode of GANGLAND or it might be that they are yelling F-bombs @ the woman with them or someone on the other end of their very public cell phone call. Point is..there are many of the thug types here where as there weren't as many in other places I have lived.

I have thought before that it could be racism of some kind in my heart..and then I remind myself that my feelings of unsafeness feel the same regardless of the person's color. Then I thought, well, maybe it is that I have always had more people in my community that have looked like me and I am uncomfortable about the lack of sameness...yet I then recall that I did not feel that way when I attended an abundantly diverse college of 60,000+ at The University of Texas at Austin.

So what. What's my deal, and more specifically, what's my point here!?!! It is obvious that I take in, and to an extent, I think we all take in and evaluate, an area by its outward appearances-the buildings, homes, shopping malls, schools,etc. So, now that I realize I am in a place for an undetermined amount of time that is not aesthetically pleasing and most short and long term residents alike use as the butt of their jokes..what now?

As a parent who does not want my child to grow up to be anything in the neighborhood of being a 'thug', should this area discourage me so much about their future? This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately..which brings me to my second question..

WHAT/WHO DETERMINES WHAT MY KIDS WILL BE LIKE WHEN THEY GROW UP?

Now, ultimately, I know God is in control of our lives. Not disputing that nor discounting his sovereignty over all the large and small details in this equation. But, having said that, what do I, as one of the people chosen by God to help shape who my children will be, see as the main factors determining the people my kiddos will be when they leave home and beyond?

It is a true that just because my kids grow up in an area with a good amount of crime, drugs, child abuse, teen moms, and people on welfare does not determine that they too will be criminals, junkies, abusers, pregnant early in life, or depend on public assistance. Do missionary families to 3rd world countries, or otherwise poor or undeveloped nations, worry that their kids will grow to be like the people in their surroundings? I would doubt it. They see life through the lense of it all being part of ministry. I would guess that they lean on my first point-their trust in God as they have given their lives to serving him wherever he leads.

So, if it isn't necessarily the city's population that makes the biggest mark on who a child grows up to be..I would say that it goes back to what we could all probably agree on is the most heavy influence on a child..their family. In other words, a lot of the weight is what we model by the priorities in our lives, what we teach them, how we discipline and love them, etc. If that is not solid, then the environment around them-the good, the bad and the ugly-has a way bigger influence in shaping who they become.

I've never understood the common assertion by "Christian" parents that they didn't want to take their kids to church or teach them who God is because they want the kids to "figure it out for themselves" or not have "religion shoved down their throat."

First, I would say that these people must not know the fantastic news that Jesus hates religion and calls people to himself not to an unattainable set of rules. Second, I would say that if parents don't teach their children about God or intend for them to 'figure it out for themselves', there is a culture full of self-help and moral relativism where they will be taught to do whatever their heart tells them to do at the moment..it is quite like rolling the dice with their future in some respects. The final point would be the obvious that if you believe that what you believe (about why we are here in life and where we are going in death) is really real, then there is no way you are not lovingly, carefully and consistently begging God to lead them to towards himself (and asking if there is anything you can do to help).

When asked what their ultimate goal is in raising their kids, the top parent answers in our culture would be: I want for them to "be happy". I want for them to be "good" people (that's a whoooole 'nother blog). I want them to get a good education. I want them to get a good paying job. I want them to find the right person and have a family who loves them. I want them to succeed in life. So, how then do we define "success"?

WHAT MAKES A PERSON A "SUCCESS" IN LIFE?

To the end of the deepest desire being that they grow up to be "good" and "happy" people? What of that? Does that equal "success"?

I think I will take this from the worldly view of what is meant by "good"..otherwise defined as someone who is a nice person who does nice things for people and does not get in trouble with the law or have unhealthy addictions to things that could hurt them or the people around them. That may be broad, but go with me here. I think it is also true that those same people would be doing their good for their own motives, which lets face it, we usually have selfish motives even in the "good" we do. (i.e-To make ourselves feel better about ourselves, to get someone to like us, for people to see what a great person we are). I think truly pure motives are relatively rare. It is in some way, directly or indirectly, for our own benefit..or dare we say..glory.

Once again, I will look from a worldly perspective of what it is to be "happy". In America, happiness is often measured by our stuff-amount of fun,cool, nice stuff is in direct correlation to degree of happiness. In a sense, having what you want when you want it could be equated to happiness. People would also say, I think, that happiness is being in a fulfilling, loving relationship with your family-spouses, kids, girl/boyfriends, friends, and possibly, co-workers. Giving love and being loved by others..definitely gets to the core of happiness. But when the stuff breaks or stops being new and the people you love let you down..which are both an absolute certainty in life..does this show a frailty in this definition of happiness? As I have heard it said before, if our ultimate goal is to be happy, then our happiness depends greatly on what "happens" to us..does it not then seem you'd want to hope for more than this "happiness" for your children (and ourselves)?!

So then, if not money,stuff, education or prestigious job nor being a "good" and "happy" person, what is "success" in raising my kids? What is the primary direction and end to which I desire them to move towards?

Let me illustrate the answer with a story. I do admit these thoughts are decidedly just part, not the whole, picture of the factors involved in considering societal, family, peer influences on children as they grow; yet they had been marinating in my brain almost since the day we moved here. Then this past Sunday, our Pastor Chris began his sermon with some thoughts on what our genuine goals are as parents.

We had just Skyped, in the middle of our worship service, with 5 missionaries overseas. They were less than a week away from finally getting the Visas they'd been hoping/waiting for to allow their entry to Baghdad, Iraq to serve that community at an institute there.

One of the missionaries was a 24 year old, boy next door type, young guy and it happened that his Dad was attending that worship service that day. Our pastor asked if the Dad would come up to the front to share with us what exactly was going through his head as he looked at his son up there on the screen as we discussed the dangerous situation he and the other missionaries were about to go into?! His answer spoke volumes.

He said that seeing his son, who would be celebrating his 25th birthday next week, brought him back to what he had been thinking when he and his wife were dedicating him in front of the church 24 and some odd months earlier. He said that he had prayed that whatever his son would choose to do as he grew to be a man, his deepest desire for his son is that he would know and love and follow after the Lord wherever that brought him in his life. He said that he had a true pride in seeing his son sit there ready to go where he felt God calling him to go regardless of the danger that may surround him.

That hit the nail on the head for me. So often I have looked around and seen how many teens don't leave our city to go off and study at a big or prestigious University. My thoughts have been: "Oh no, what if my kids don't go to a good school and get a good job?!" Not that I do not wish for them to be responsible, hard working people who can make a living and thrive in that respect, but is that the end all be all of "success" in raising children? To hope they are one of the have, rather than the have nots?

My dream for them is so much bigger and so much up to God getting hold of their hearts and drawing them to him; and because of that, I know that much of it is a matter of trusting God's direction and being obedient to how he leads us to teach and "train up our children in the way they should go". Most times I feel as though I've not the first clue what I am doing. Guess that will keep me on my knees where I need to be until it is clear who God has made them to be.